Writer’s block. I’m not sure what that exactly means, but I know I have it. I’m not a writer though; so am I technically allowed to say I have writers block?!
I have this blog as a sort of escape from the ‘real world’, I write about crap that doesn’t matter and things that people probably don’t really care about. I write because it makes me feel happy – if we wanna go cheesy, it makes me feel whole. So as I’m sat on the bed in the spare bedroom of my mother’s house, wrapped up in a thousand layers to keep the cold away from my skin, watching Netflix (with no chill, unfortunately); I have this sudden urge to write everything and anything. But of course, nothing comes. It’s like my brain has decided to clock out for the night.
Instead of something that has any kind of resemblance to words from a sane mind, we have these words. Words that are typed onto the MacBook that I can’t quite afford, by fingers with nails that need some serious TLC. Word that are falling from a mind of someone who needs to close her emails, stop panicking about things that cannot be fixed until start of business on Monday and chill the f*#k out. Words that are tumbling down this metaphorical s*#t storm of my life – when actually as I write this, I realise that life is pretty fantastic at the moment.
What is not pretty fantastic at the moment are my anxiety levels – I cannot deal with any form of stress. Stress gives me a rash and my waist line its own equator. I’m spending my Friday night stressing over things that I cannot control. I’m purchasing the most expensive thing I will probably ever buy, everything around me is insured; including my life, which is currently worth £160,000 apparently. Why can’t buying a house be as simple as The Sims (Ctrl+C “motherlode”) – I was not emotionally prepared for this ride. I also stupidly arranged two exams for the same week that we were supposed to be exchanging – but of course, nothing ever goes to plan and the speed at which the solicitor is moving, we probable won’t complete until 2017.
It will all be worth, it will all be worth it, it will all be worth it.
So I’m back in the room, wrapped up tight. Liam’s just come in from the gym and is curled up at my side, reading over my shoulder as I write this and I’m reminded that all this crap doesn’t matter.
There’s that light at the end of the tunnel, the silver lining to my heavy grey cloud that I created for myself. Life is only as hard, busy or stressful as you allow it to be. I need to stop allowing my black dog overcome me. So, that black dog is being taken outside, at least for tonight. I’m off to watch American Horror Story now.
Take care out there.
Love, always. L x